Attempting to Plan a Disaster That's Waiting to Happen
by yurImperial
Summary: Nothing is ever easy or straightforward with Akko around. Why would traveling for the holidays to meet her parents be any different? And who ever said sanity was the key to happiness?


**A/N:**

 **Wow, I started this in December of 2017 and worked furiously to finish it by Christmas. Clearly that didn't happen haha. Enjoy and maybe leave a comment if you want to raise the chances of seeing the next chapter before 2020! I have a lot more in store for this fic and Diana's sanity.**

 **I'm also posting this a little hastily to get it out within December so I may have to go back and touch up the editing.**

 **-yurImperial**

* * *

 **Attempting to Plan a Disaster That's Waiting to Happen**

"That's the third cafe! We should pick one to try for breakfast, Diana."

Akko looked to her girlfriend excitedly, practically giving herself whiplash as her head swiveled between all the different shops, restaurants, and salons lining the airport's main thoroughfare.

"We ate breakfast before we left," Diana said distractedly. She was pouring over papers with their flight details as she walked, her carry-on slung over one shoulder.

"But they look so cute! Ooh, like that sweets shop! Diana, doesn't that one look cute?"

"After we check in at the gate, we can go wherever you want until boarding time, Akko," she said without looking up from her papers.

"Yay!" Akko gave a small hop and twirled, almost dashing their checked luggage into a random person. It was nearly large enough to hide the man's body in, which would have been necessary if it had struck him at that speed. Akko called back an apology as the businessman stumbled away sweating from a brush with his own potential coffin.

"What did I tell you - if you're not going to watch where you're going, at least hold onto me," Diana chastised. Akko obediently took hold of her sleeve and hummed along to the Christmas music playing in the background of the terminal, though she immediately went right back to craning her neck to survey more shops over the crowd.

Diana sighed in exasperation even as a smile wormed its way onto her features. Akko's enthusiasm, however vexing, was certainly infectious and she felt it ease the roiling, gut-wrenching anxiety of meeting Akko's parents in fifteen hours. She still felt like everything was moving at the speed of light, but having this bundle of joy by her side washed over her pragmatic pessimism, giving her the courage to at least consider the chance that this whole trip might not go horribly, ineffably wrong.

That is, until they got to the gate check-in.

"Passports, please?"

Diana handed hers and Akko's over smoothly, glancing at her watch again out of habit as their information was processed. The receptionist made a sound of approval and returned their passports with a plastic smile.

"Now I'll just need to see your tickets."

Diana turned to Akko, who had insisted on holding onto them, having paid for them herself. Akko slid both hands into her coat pockets, her expression turning blank as they stayed there longer than should have been necessary to find two tickets.

"Akko… tell me you have them..."

A cold sweat broke out all over Diana's body. Her mind immediately spun into a whirlpool, thinking back over the last hour and all the places they had been, analyzing her memory for where the tickets might have gone. _I made sure Akko had them when we left Luna Nova. Could someone have picked her pocket since we arrived? No, that's too unlikely. Maybe they fell out of her coat on the way here?_ Her eyes scanned the floor where they stood, flicking back the direction they had come and into the bustling crowd.

She barely noticed Akko suddenly smile. Akko stepped closer, pressing up behind Diana and reaching around to dig in her inner coat pocket. Still grinning, she pulled out the tickets with a magician's flourish and reached past a frozen Diana to pass them to the receptionist.

The mad cacophony of Diana's thoughts ground to a halt. She looked from Akko to the tickets, to the receptionist busily typing away, and back to her smugly beaming girlfriend.

"What, did you think I'd lose your Christmas present?" Akko said all too cheerily.

Diana did feel guilty for assuming she lost them. Akko held onto her Shiny Chariot trading card collection for all these year; she protects the things she cares about and Diana knows this. It's one of the many things she fell in love with, after all.

"I'm sorry, I should have trusted you more." Diana hugged herself and glanced away.

"Make it up to me by taking me to a cafe~"

The receptionist returned their things and wished them a safe trip. With time to kill according to Diana's schedule, she made good on her promise and let Akko lead the way to pick out any shop that caught her fancy. She immediately latched onto Diana's arm and quite literally started pulling her in the direction of the cute one she spotted earlier.

"You can relax, you know that right?" Akko said gently once they left the gate behind. "You're supposed to enjoy this trip! Not stress out over every little thing." _I wasn't_ trying _to make you panic… Okay, maybe a little, but I didn't think you'd take it that badly..._

Akko cringed at herself, but looked back to her girlfriend when she took a calming breath and exhaled slowly.

"I... know. It's just such an important step, meeting your parents."

Akko gave a reassuring smile, intertwining their fingers. "That's why you're worried? Pffft."

Diana opened her mouth to respond indignantly, but Akko was still going.

"There's absolutely no _way_ my parents won't not like you. Wait - won't, like you? Won't not, dislike, uh…" She trailed off, muttering various iterations of double and triple negatives that hurt both of their brains.

Again, Diana was prepared to interject, but Akko still rushed ahead, that 'passionate Akko sparkle' now filling her eyes. She turned to face Diana and forced her to stop right in the middle of the moving crowd.

"What I mean is, I love you with all my heart, and I just know my parents will too. No matter what."

"No matter what?" Diana repeated, and Akko gave an earnest nod.

"Even if I… make a fool of myself?"

Akko nodded again. "I do that all the time, and they still love me."

A small smile cracked through Diana's composure. "Even if I accidentally insult them?"

"Even then," Akko said without hesitation. "As if that would ever happen anyway."

"Even-"

Akko silenced the next question while it was still forming. It took Diana a moment to realize that it was Akko's lips stopping hers from moving. All the doubts lining up like train cars behind her brain derailed magnificently, the sparks scattering into the air where they slowly fell to the ground like multicolored snowflakes. It was only a brief moment, barely a peck on the lips, but it was enough to completely silence Diana for a dozen heartbeats.

"No matter what," Akko repeated firmly.

Diana nodded, her face red and downturned, then shuffled to the side as someone squeezed past. They both glanced around at the crowd they were still congesting, their faces reddening further as they realized just how public their display of affection had been.

"Akko, we should probably move."

It turned out that they had stopped just outside the store Akko wanted to visit. Diana had to admit that it was indeed cute; there were stickers of various fluffy animals stuck to the giant window, right beneath a large sign-sized sticker reading _Floof and Poof Café_. The stickers all appeared to be colored in with varying artistic skill and color schemes.

Diana ordered a frappuccino and Akko got a giant chocolate chip cookie. An animal sticker was included with each of their orders, and they found a basket of crayons sat in the middle of every small table in the seating area. Akko go right to work coloring her polar bear sticker between bites of cookie while Diana looked down at her penguin. Finally, she picked up a black crayon and started working on the flippers.

"I cannot stop worrying about meeting your parents entirely. Not as long as I care about being with you," Diana said without looking up. "But I suppose I can try to lighten up."

Akko sat back from her now bright-pink polar bear and turned her eyes up to the ceiling in thought, a green crayon tapping against her lower lip.

"Why don't you make that your new year resolution then?"

Diana was taken aback. "You mean stressing less?"

"Yeah! If I learned anything from Luna Nova, it was that change takes time. Make it a long-term goal and you'll definitely get there."

Diana had moved on to coloring her penguin's feet orange. She nodded to herself. "I suppose having two resolutions won't hurt."

"You have one already?"

"To take my family's motto closer to heart."

Akko tossed her green crayon back and dug out a yellow one. "Oh, _Affection_?"

"My mother embodied it, but I'm afraid I have not done nearly so well. I want to make sure the people I love know it, every day."

"Aww! That's so sweet! But I think you are affectionate, you just have your own ways of showing it. Mine is nothing compared to yours," she added.

"What is your resolution, Akko?"

"Well, it's usually to become more like Chariot…" By now, Akko's sticker was quite colorful, the various hues blending in ways that no natural animal would look, giving it a unique and even magical appearance. Diana's penguin just looked like an ordinary penguin, a bland facsimile next to the technicolor bear. "But after what you told me during the Grand Triskelion-Noire Missile thing, I think I'm going to keep trying to be more like myself."

Diana smiled at her warmly. "I couldn't imagine anything better."

They both reached across the table to take each other's hand while they finished their snacks. Diana, however, was distracted by something as she started looking around their table. Akko gave her a questioning look when she straightened with a trying-not-to-panic-again expression struggling to stay on her face.

"...Akko, don't take this as me doubting you again, but where is our luggage?"

Akko repeated the action of checking under the table and chairs before sitting back up empty-handed. She blinked once slowly, sniffed, brushed crumbs from the corner of her mouth, and finally shrugged. Diana raised her eyebrows. Akko mirrored her, then leaped up with a squawk and ran out the door, Diana hot on her heels and their stickers tucked safely inside her coat.

They were relieved to find their checked luggage with the receptionist, who had watched them take off without it and kept it safe from theft. Diana thanked and apologized profusely while Akko calmed her down from the near mental breakdown she was having. They decided it would be safest to wait near the gate until it was time to board.

"Now Akko, we need to pick up our luggage at Baggage Claim 8 after we land. I don't want to keep your parents waiting for us, so that means disembarking in a timely-"

She glanced over at Akko to make sure her girlfriend was paying attention, but stopped talking when she realized her lecture was falling on deaf ears. Akko was already fast asleep. In the window seat of course, where she wouldn't even be awake to enjoy the view.

"Really, all that energy and now you crash..."

Diana sighed and opened the overhead storage to retrieve a book she brought along for just such a scenario. As she settled into her seat, she glanced over at her girlfriend's sleeping face - slack, open-mouthed like a Venus fly trap, with a goofy smile and drool trailing down her chin. Diana smiled softly, brushed a lock of hair out of Akko's face, and prepared to bury herself in a kanji guidebook for the twelve hours to follow.

"Attention passengers, we are now approaching Japanese airspace. We will be making our landing in Hokkaido within the hour. Please remain seated until touchdown..."

As the pilot finished his standard announcement that the flight was finally nearing its end, then repeated in several additional languages, Diana put down her book and stretched her arms above her head, getting a few satisfying pops out of her stiff spine. Akko had shifted at some point in the flight to lean with her face smushed against Diana's shoulder. The effect was endearing, but it was going to make her present task that much harder.

"Akko. It's time to wake up."

"Mmmm... y'gotta wake me up with a kiss..." Akko mumbled. To Diana's dismay, Akko's body turned and wrapped an arm around her waist, burrowing deeper into her shoulder despite the bulky arm rest between their seats.

"Geez, are you seriously comfortable sleeping like this?" The only response was a vaguely intelligible murmur about tradition.

"Akko, we really must prepare to land. This is not proper procedure," Diana said, more urgently than before. Still Akko continued to snore. _Eleven-and-a-half hours and she still hasn't had enough sleep?_ Diana was almost as impressed by Akko's ability to make food disappear. It seemed her girlfriend was determined to break all human limits.

In any case, it was clear she wasn't going to wake Akko up any other way. _Affection_ , she said to herself, repeating her family's motto for courage. Her gaze wandered to the other passengers within sight - mainly the couple across the aisle - confirming that they were too busy waking from their own naps to witness her placing a lingering kiss on Akko's temple. She willed away the embarrassment of their thoughtlessly public kiss at the other airport. _It's going to take a lot of work to follow through with these new year resolutions,_ she thought.

Fortunately, the kiss worked like a magic spell. As soon as Diana pulled away, Akko began to stir, opening her eyes and blinking in the overhead reading light. For a brief moment, she looked like she didn't know where she was or how she got there. She merely returned Diana's level gaze with a sleepy smile before started her own stretches. Diana gathered her things together while enjoying the extremely cute noises her girlfriend made, though they lasted for all of ten seconds before transforming into a strangled cry as Akko's hands flew to the back of her neck.

"Aghh, why did you let me sleep like that, Diana?" she whined, massaging the crick in her neck.

"This is why I keep telling you to sit up straight. I reject any responsibility for your poor posture."

"But you know I can't do anything straight." Akko's attempt at a smirk was superseded by a wince as the ache in her neck flared up again. "At least rub my neck for me. Please?" she drew out the last word in that way that usually had Diana rolling her eyes and giving in.

The light bickering helped Diana rouse herself, though fatigue still weighed heavily on her mind and body; she had foolishly forgotten to sleep a wink, though anxiety probably would have made it impossible anyway.

"Akko, we're going to be landing soon and as I was trying to tell you earlier, I _will not_ be late for meeting your parents."

"Oh, we're almost there?" Akko turned to looked excitedly out the window for the first time since boarding the plane. Diana could only see Akko's reflection from her own seat, but she was sure that her view was every bit as mesmerizing. The way Akko's face lit up from ear to ear, her eyes twinkling like a thousand stars trapped behind glass, was exactly how she pictured a younger Akko looking as she watched Shiny Chariot on stage for the first time. If she got even a tenth of that reaction when Akko opened her Christmas, Diana would be thoroughly satisfied. In that moment, Akko was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen.

"Oh, WOW! Diana, Diana! You have to see this! Look!"

It took all her willpower to pull her gaze away from the sheer joy on her girlfriend's face, but she didn't completely regret it once she did. Squeezing in almost on top of Akko, she was nearly blinded by the brilliant display. Japan was laid out beneath them like the entire Milky Way floating in a cosmic cobalt sea. Individual points of light were mere pinpricks, as numerous as stars clustered within a galaxy - an orderly one, organized into grid patterns and molded to the darkened landscape. It was surreal, looking down at the Earth but seeing constellations. Her hand found Akko's and closed around it as they both stared in quiet awe.

Wind immediately buffeted them as they started down the stairs from the plane. It carried with it a biting chill and a face full of snow flurry, dusting them with a fine powder that only exacerbated the cold. They hurried down to ground level as fast as they could, which wasn't very fast when every stinging gust threatened to rip the luggage from their numb hands. Just the thought of all their things spilling down the steps chilled Diana more deeply than any wind ever could. Once they reached the ground, Akko's free arm wrapped tightly around Diana's waist, holding her close. Grateful for the delightful warmth, she leaned into her girlfriend as they hurried toward the building.

By the time they got inside, they were both laughing and out of breath. Diana's hair was mussed and streaked with swirls of snow as if she had been rolling around in it, while the end of Akko's ponytail was frozen to the top of her head by a layer of frost. Both of their collars were left flipped up from their mad dance in the wind. Diana reached over and wiped snow from Akko's reddened nose with her thumb.

"You look like red-nosed reindeer ," Akko said, grinning.

Diana returned the expression, her eyes sparkling as she tapped Akko on the nose. "Speak for yourself."

Akko's eyes widened but remained locked on her girlfriend's as she reached for her hands and enveloped them. "Your circulation is bad," she said, surprising Diana.

"What makes you say that?"

"Your hands are cold."

Diana laughed. "Akko, we just ran through a blizzard."

"I mean they're always cold." Still holding Diana's gaze, she added, "Is this better?"

"Yes." Diana wiggled her fingers between Akko's palms. "There's a reason I snuggle you so much during the winter. You're like a furnace."

"That, and because you love me."

Diana rolled her eyes but nodded, causing a few snowflakes to fall free of her hair. She wanted to stay like this a little longer, sharing Akko's warmth and what was likely to be their last moments of privacy for the holidays, but then she thought of Akko's parents and panic rose up from her stomach. She finally broke eye contact by glancing down at her watch. They were nearly twenty minutes behind her pre-planned schedule.

"We should go," she said softly, as if anything more would ruin the moment. "Your parents will be expecting us. And we still have to get our luggage."

"Yeah."

Despite her words, Diana remained still as she thought about how hard it would be to refrain from kissing Akko for their whole stay. It didn't take long to decide what to do. Pulling Akko closer, she leaned in for a real kiss. Akko's brows shot up into her hair. She clearly hadn't been expecting this outcome.

It was longer than the kiss they shared at the other airport, slow and sweet and far more intimate - well worth the extra minutes it would delay them. But eventually Diana pulled away completely, picking up her luggage and looking around for a sign to point them in the right direction. Akko reluctantly followed suit. Both of their faces were redder than when they came in from the cold.

"I think it's that way," Akko said, pointing opposite the direction Diana was already walking.

"The signs say it's this way, Akko."

Akko squinted at the signs again. "Oh, right." She started to follow, then added, "Wait, you can read kanji?"

Diana didn't seem to hear as she plowed on, muttering the destination under her breath and scanning the signs for a match. They passed a few bleary-eyed people, but mostly empty chairs and those propping up napping passengers as they waited on connecting flights. Akko finally caught up around the seventh baggage claim area.

"Diana! Since when can you read kanji!?"

"Since two months ago. This next one is us, Akko, start watching for our suitcase."

Akko let her question go for now and joined Diana in watching for the carousel to spit out the last of their luggage. It was a hulking piece of hardened leather monstrosity that they had thrown just about everything besides their Christmas gifts into. It was also ancient, an heirloom of the Cavendish family, though she had it modified with wheels and a telescopic handle. It had been Akko's idea to cover the sides in stickers to make it easy to find, though it already stood out through sheer size alone.

As such, when it appeared, it immediately lodged itself in the chute with one bulky corner sticking out. Several muted thumps followed as more luggage rained down behind it but failed to push it through. Sighing, Diana reached for it and started pulling. As expected, it didn't budge - rather, only Diana budged as her shoes slid on the tile floor, succeeding only in pulling herself closer. She released it with a huff.

"Akko, please give me a hand with-"

A shriek cut her off.

What she did next, Diana would later attribute to a combination of sleep deprivation and paranoia. She had read the statistics on subway molestation while researching for the trip, and while they're not quite the same thing, airports do have some similarities with subways. And with so many people around, theft was also a constant worry in the back of her mind.

As soon as she heard Akko's scream, she reached for her wand and turned. The reaction was so fast that her brain didn't even register colors, just shape and movement. Her wand extended with a metallic _snik_ , ready to fire the spell already forming on her lips by the time she had Akko in her sights - or rather, the man with his arms wrapped around Akko from behind.

 _"Lecludio-!"_

Except Akko was laughing, not screaming.

Diana bit her tongue to stop herself from completing the spell. The details of the scene continued to trickle into her awareness like snapshots in a movie reel: a wide smile on Akko's face; her resemblance to the man picking her up in a bear hug; the woman with her hand on his arm and slowly turning towards Diana's still-raised wand; the surprise of all three as they froze; their eyes on Diana, widening.

"Wait wait wait!" Akko dropped from her father's embrace, her hands raised in Diana's direction as she scrambled to stand between her parents and her girlfriend.

 _Her parents._

"Diana, it's okay!"

 _Put your wand away, those are her parents!_

"Oh."

Somehow, Diana's wand returned to her pocket, though she had no conscious awareness of putting it away. Then she did the first thing she could think of; she bowed. Arms stiff at her sides, eyes squeezed tight, she bowed low to the Kagaris and spoke in a quavering voice.

"Gomeiwaku o okakeshite moushiwake arimasen deshita... soshite anata no omotenashi ni kansha shimasu!" ("I am sincerely apologetic for the trouble I caused... and thank you for your hospitality!")

She was careful to enunciate every word despite the terrible worry flooding her chest like icy water. _What have I done? This is unforgivable. I've just ruined everything. I'm so sorry Akko..._

The only audible sound echoing throughout the terminal was the distant click-clacking of wheeled luggage rolling over the tiled floor. As the moment continued to stretch, Diana cautiously peeked at her girlfriend. Akko was frozen with an unreadable expression on her face, her hands still partially outstretched.

Diana half rose from her bow. "D-Did I say it wrong?"

A wheezing laugh steadily grew from the quiet, building from a restrained chuckle into a full blown cackle that made Diana instantly picture a dog throttling its squeak toy. She turned in slow motion to find the man she had just threatened with a wand nearly doubled over, his shoulders shaking with the force of his laughter. He seemed about to lose his balance until Mrs. Kagari led him backwards by the arm to sit on the edge of the baggage carousel.

Onlookers eyed the commotion as they passed, adding to Diana's mortification. She turned to Akko for assistance, thoroughly nonplussed by the whole scenario; she would have expected anger, outrage, dismissal - anything but _laughter_ in reaction to her faux pas. Yet even her girlfriend was too busy trying to stifle her amusement to offer aid.

"So this is your Diana, huh? You weren't kidding about her politeness!" Mr. Kagari spoke up when his mirth finally subsided. Rather than Japanese, he addressed his daughter in relaxed English, his eyes twinkling. "Though a bit feistier than I expected. That's certainly a way to remind someone _witch_ school you came from." The last comment he addressed to Diana. She merely stared back, uncertain if the pun was intended.

"Ah, yes, well, I assure you that was not a typical greeting taught at Luna Nova," she replied as she self-consciously finger combed what remained of the snow from her hair.

"Well then I'm honored to be a special case!"

Diana felt her flush deepen, still not sure if she was being teased or continuing to fail at making her intentions clear. She gaped at Akko, who remained a maddening onlooker from the sideline.

"Oh, don't listen to Daisuke." Mrs. Kagari joined in, being the first to approach and wrap Diana in a hug that smelled of spices and hot bakery ovens. "He's just excited to finally meet the girl Atsuko talks about as much as Shiny Chariot."

Diana doubted that was possible, though she recalled the way Akko's father had said ' _Your_ Diana' and wondered just what Akko had told them about her. It suddenly made her even more nervous as her hands fidgeted behind the back of the woman still embracing her. She wanted to pull away and fidget nervously, but at the same time, she didn't want Akko's mother to let go; she hadn't had a hug this comforting since her own mother was alive. In the end, she didn't have the willpower to break off the contact first.

"Now, don't get her all hugged out before my turn, Chizumi!" Daisuke called out as he slowly rose to his feet.

"Ah! Please, stay seated Mr. Kagari. It's no trouble-"

"Daisuke and Chizumi," he said firmly as he met her halfway, hugging her the same as his wife. "No need for formalities among family."

The hugs and utter lack of judgement did wonders for Diana's mental stability. She no longer felt hot shame prickling all over her skin, but she was still uncomfortably warm for standing in a drafty airport terminal. The hugs also gave her time to really take in Akko's parents.

Akko definitely got her looks from her mother. Had she not known Akko was an only child, Diana would have sworn they had a second daughter. Chizumi couldn't have been a day over thirty-five, even with laugh lines around her eyes and mouth. Daisuke, despite being shorter than his wife by a good five centimeters, might have seemed intimidating were it not for the jolly aura that surrounded him. Such a square jaw and broad shoulders hardly suited a man who couldn't help but chuckle every time he opened his mouth.

Of course, even the yakuza would have difficulty looking intimidating in the Kagaris' attire; Daisuke wore a festive green sweater with various red and white Christmas-themed designs marching across in two narrow bands, a scarf frayed from loving use wrapped from his shoulders clear up to his chin. Chizumi sported a matching sweater with the colors swapped, her hair done up in a ponytail like Akko's (though twice as long). A shawl fell from her shoulders but failed to hide all the flour smudges marking her sweater, as if she had come straight from the bakery.

The whole family had varying shades of the same reddish-brown hair, ranging from Akko's rich milk chocolate to the faded elder mahogany of her father. But if anything, the one unifying trait that instantly marked them as Kagaris was their smile - it embodied everything Diana had come to love about Akko since they first met.

"Mom, Dad!" Akko ran to her girlfriend's side, crashing into her shoulder and interrupting her observations. The only thing keeping her from falling over was Akko's arm as it wound effortlessly around her waist. Then, smiling that brilliant Kagari smile, Akko took a deep breath as if she were about to shout her next words to all of Japan. "This is Diana. The most beautiful, talented, wonderful girlfriend in the whole world!"

Luckily, she didn't shout. The words were embarrassing enough.


End file.
